How to Deal with BackTalk

Here is the thing, most parents respond to the actual words their children say when their children talk back at them. For example, when the child says: “I don’t care, you’re not the boss of me!” parents respond: “Well, you should care!” or “I am the boss as long as you live in my house!”. But the words in the backtalk are actually only a very superficial layer and not the key issue at all. It is the feeling that the child experiences that makes her or him talk back at you.

The child's words are only coded messages for what the child is feeling; resentment, frustration, or being hassled. When you respond to the feeling instead of the words, then the child is more likely to calm down.

BackTalk
“I don’t care about you"
“You can’t make me”
"You are not the boss of me”
“I'm busy! Jeez, isn't that obvious?”
“None of my friends have to!?”

Parent responding to child's feelings
“You are angry with me”
“You want to make your own decisions”
“You’re tired of me telling you what to do”
“You feel hassled by me, you wish I’d go away”
“You feel unfairly treated”

A calmer child is much more likely to listen to your needs (your need to be respected). So try addressing the feeling of the child first, before talking about your needs.

This can benefit you in multiple ways:
- A child who feels listened to and understood is usually more cooperative with your requests,
- It prevents you from getting into a power struggle,
- It maintains the relationship between you and your child,
- It builds Emotional Intelligence in your child.

Try it on for size, and let us know what happened!