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Something interesting happened last night at dinner

3/28/2018

1 Comment

 
Picture
Our daughter (10) - I'll call her Ivy - is often bothered by the noises our son Alex (12 and not his real name) makes at dinner. Normally she says something like: "Stop it Alex! You are going like this! Yuck!", while imitating him eating with his mouth open. And then the fight breaks out between the 2 of them; "I don't care! Mind your own business!"

​So last week on the way to soccer practice, I suggested to Ivy that an I-message may work better for her at dinner time. That night she tried to send an I-message to Alex: "I would appreciate it if you would keep your mouth closed and stop making those noises while you eat!" But that didn't go over well either: "If you don't like it, go somewhere else!" 


When Ivy later complained to me that I-messages don't work, I explained the difference between I-messages and Hidden You-messages. The following sentences are clear You-Messages and often ineffective: 
- You stop eating with your mouth open.
- You are a spoiled brat.  
- You go clean up your room right now.

When you say "I think", "I need", or "I appreciate it if" in front of a You-messages, they are still ineffective. We call these "hidden you-messages":
- I'd appreciate it if you stop eating with your mouth open
- I think you are a spoiled brat
- I need you to go clean up your room right now

These hidden you-messages still contain orders and judgments and as a result Alex still felt defensive and is resistant to change. True I-statements on the other hand, explain what I don't like, why I don't like it, and how I feel. It does NOT contain what the other should be doing. When I use real I-messages, I come across as; I am having a problem and I would like some help with my problem. Instead of, you are bad and you need to change.

So last night Ivy tried a third time. She said: "It is hard for me to eat when I hear these noises and I am starting to feel annoyed."

Alex looked at her suspicious and said: "Okay, got it" and continued eating with his mouth closed! 

Hallelujah! Success!

Come and learn how to communicate more effectively with your children at one of our upcoming P.E.T. classes:

Check Out All of Our SPRING Classes!

Individuals $250 (Couples $395) PLUS $45 Materials Fee
​

SPRING 2018 Schedule: 
- Irvine (Near OC Airport)
   Saturday  4/14 - 4/16  2:30 - 5:30pm 8 weeks
   No classes on Saturday afternoon April 28 and May 27th
- Encino  (The Valley in L.A.)
   Wednesday    4/11 - 6/6  6:30pm-9:30pm 8 weeks
   No classes on Wednesday morning April 25th
- Los Angeles (Eagle Rock) 
   Thursday   4/19 - 6/14  6:30 - 9:30pm 8 weeks
   No class on Thursday evening April 26th

Refresher Classes for P.E.T. graduates:  
Los Angeles - Eagle Rock 
1 Class $45 ind. ($75 cpls); 2 Classes $65 ind. ($99 cpls)
- Tues  May 8th   7:00 - 9:00pm  Eagle Rock   
- Tues  May 22nd 7:00 - 9:00pm  Eagle Rock 

1 Comment

    Author
    Meike Lemmens

    International Parent Effectiveness Training Master Trainer, Parenting Coach, and mother of 2 terrific kids!

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