​In other words, siblings who grow up under the same roof with the same parents are not more alike / different than those who grow up in different homes with different parents. ​This finding shows that parenting is not a predictor of how your children will turn out. I am guessing you're skeptical, so let me explain. Your parenting obviously influences your kids. BUT your parenting influences each of your children in VERY DIFFERENT ways. Your oldest child may become self-disciplined because of your strict parenting style while your middle child may become dependent on you because of the same strictness. Your daughter may grow up feeling a lack of structure because of your laissez-faire parenting approach while it helps your son fully express his creativity.

No wonder parenting experts can never agree on parenting advice. Whether to be strict or lenient, co-sleep or not, how many hours of screen time is too much etc. These disputes over what is right and wrong are never-ending because there is no one right answer. It depends on the individual needs of both parents and kids. Parenting is not injected into your child like a vaccine. Parenting is an interactive process between the parent and the child. This is what makes parenting so complex.   

I would like to invite you to join my P.E.T. Book Club, to learn about the philosophy of Parent Effectiveness Training by Dr. Thomas Gordon. It is a program that does not believe in ready-made answers for parents. Instead, it  acknowledges the differences in parents' values, styles, beliefs and preferences. All parents and kids are unique. Whether you have one child or many, it is the different needs of the parent and child that plays an enormous role in how you connect, interact and respond to challenging situations. Getting those needs met in a custom manner, satisfying to both the parent and each child, is what is at the heart of P.E.T.

Get Inspired! Join Our Online P.E.T. Book Club
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SPRING 2021 Schedule: 
Tuesday evening Pacific Time
 April 6th - May 11th 2021 (6 weeks) 
 8:15pm - 9:45pm Pacific Time

Wednesday evening Pacific Time 
 April 7th - May 12th 2021 (6 weeks) 
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Parents are generally quick to point out the behaviors of their children they don't like, but it is an exception to point out the positive. Let's say your child interrupts a conversation with your friend. You may say; "I'm talking right now honey" or "You're interrupting". But what do you say when your child is not interrupting your conversation? Do you say; "Thank you for waiting" or "I appreciate you letting me finish my conversation"!?



​If you generally skip the positive and are keen to point out what bothers you it can have unintentional negative side effects. It may chip away at your child's self esteem, or children may learn to get your attention by behaving in ways that are annoying to you. 
 
I have an experiment for you!
 
When you come home today, try to keep track of the number of times you point out a negative, and also count the number of positive statements you make. Ideally you want the positives to outweigh the negatives. So tell them what you like, love, appreciate or are thankful for. Or otherwise share your positive feelings with your child ("I love you"; "I am inspired by you").
 
Sending positive messages is especially important when you are struggling with your child. Maybe they hit or scream a lot. Try to say something when they are NOT hitting or screaming instead of only pointing out the times they do; "I see how mad you are and I really appreciate you are not screaming at me. You could scream but you are not and that makes it easier for me to understand and talk with you."
 
Last night, I was about to point out to my daughter that her dishes were still on the table. Instead I chose to tell my son; "I appreciate that you put your dishes in the kitchen and cleaned the table, thank you Jake! He was beaming, his chest inflated, he sure liked hearing that! Before you knew it Maggie followed right along.
 
For more parenting help, try out our Online Parent Effectiveness Training Book Club

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   1. Incompetent: "I'm too young (or too incapable, too fragile or too weak) to do it on my own.”

   2. Dependent: "I can’t do it.  I don't know how. Can you do it for me?"

 Or

   3. Defiant: "You're not the boss of me!"  

Thomas Gordon’s Parent Effectiveness Training helps us let our kids help themselves. When we trust in their ingenuity and resourcefulness and focus on their strengths, it gives them the opportunity to trust their own judgment and sharpen their problem-solving skills. Then they are able to find solutions that are most right for them at that moment in time.
 
ACTIVE LISTEN WITH YOUR EYES AND EARS
The most powerful and helpful parenting skill is to actively listen to our kids because it helps them tune into their inner-guidance system (i.e. their point of view, their interest and strengths). Our children are always telling us about themselves, both by what they say and do. Sometimes in subtle ways and other times much more obvious, they are letting us know what they do and don’t like, who they do and don’t trust and what they’re ready for and where their boundaries are. 
 
When we active listening, children can connect with their inner potential without being distracted by our well intended advice and help. This helps them work through their experiences. As a result they feel confident and self-reliant so they can better handle whatever comes their way.

The child's words are only coded messages for what the child is feeling; resentment, frustration, or being hassled. When you respond to the feeling instead of the words, then the child is more likely to calm down.

A calmer child is much more likely to listen to your needs (your need to be respected). So try addressing the feeling of the child first, before talking about your needs.

This can benefit you in multiple ways:
- A child who feels listened to and understood is usually more cooperative with your requests,
- It prevents you from getting into a power struggle,
- It maintains the relationship between you and your child,
- It builds Emotional Intelligence in your child.

Try it on for size, and let us know what happened!

"When people become parents, something strange and unfortunate happens." Thomas Gordon wrote this in his award winning book, Parent Effectiveness Training. "Parents begin to assume a role or act a part and forget they are persons. They start to behave in certain ways because they think that is how parents should behave." Children pick up on parents playing a part, they realize early on that this perfect person isn't really who you are. They notice you ate all the cookies after they went to bed, watch your phone well after your screen time is over. They hear you yell at them when you don't get your way, or interrupt them when they talk.

This transformation of people turning into parents is unfortunate for 2 reasons. A child's curiosity leads them to try and find out who's the human being underneath the parent, because they deeply appreciate the quality of realness and humanness and they respond favorably to it. And, parents often feel guilty when not being able to play the part, not being able to be consistent, or not being able to set the perfect example.

Parent Effectiveness Training is here to teach you it isn't necessary to play that perfect parent role at all! You don't need to be consistent, and you don't need to be perfect. An effective parent lets himself be a person – a real person. If parents could only accept themselves and stop playing a part, it would send a very different message to their children; I am good the way I am, and so are you. I don't need to portray myself any different, neither do you. If we mess up, we are not bad, we just learn from our mistakes so that we can be true to who we are and build a happier life together.

Come learn how to effectively communicate your humanness to your children!

Click Here for More Info: Winter Classes Start This Week!

 This is in contrast with other high-income and developed countries where 85-90% of children find it easy to talk to their mothers and 75-80% opens up easily to their fathers. So what is holding our children back from talking with us?

Well, let’s think about it. When you talk about your difficulties with other people, what are some of the least helpful responses that you get? What makes you think: “Oh great! Why did I bring this up with you? That was NOT helpful!”

Award Winning Number 1 LEAST Helpful Response:
 
               Reassurance: “Oh, don’t worry about it, you’re OK.”

Yep, we’ve all heard reassurance before, and it does nothing if you’re on the receiving end of it…

Runner-up Prize for Number 2 LEAST Helpful Response:

Telling me what to do: “Why don’t you just send an email, give her a call”

If fixing it was that easy, I would have already tried it...

Bronze Medal for Number 3 LEAST Helpful Responses:

    Taking over the conversation: “ I had that too. When I was young…”

I thought we were talking about me? But I guess we’re back to talking about you now … sigh…  

Reassurance, telling us what to do, taking over the conversation, let alone lecturing, moralizing and preaching are all things most of us do not find helpful. Yet this is usually how well-intended parents try to help their kids.

So what to do instead, how do we keep the line of communication open with our children?

1. Listen without judgment
   Hear your child’s point of view. Telling them what to do differently right of the bat is often perceived as criticism, especially when children feel emotionally upset.
2. Check to see if you understand their point of view
   Restate in your own words (don’t parrot them nor state the obvious) what you hear them say to make sure that you understand them correctly. This will get you to the underlying problem, which is usually much different from the child’s initial superficial complaint. At the surface they appear mad at their brother, but underneath the anger they may feel left out or unfairly treated. At the surface they may appear sad about losing a game but underneath it may be a fear of disappointing others. At the surface they may seem frustrated with their teacher but underneath they may feel overwhelmed by the amount of school work.
3. Guide them to come up with their own solution 
   We rob children sometimes from their opportunity to become independent problem solvers by jumping in with well intended advice. Encourage independence and creative problem solving by asking them what they think they can do to solve their problem.
4. Only give advice when you are “hired” by your child
   Only give advice when they are willing to listen to what you have to say. If they are emotionally upset they aren’t ready. If you are not sure confirm it with them: “I have an idea, would you like to hear it?” If they don’t answer that question, it means they don’t want to hear it.
5. Leave the responsibility for taking your advice up to them
   Make your point only once and then leave them the choice to take your advice or not

Easier said than done? Come and learn the most studied, proven and highly praised parenting program in the world! Parent Effectiveness Training Workshops by 3-time Nobel peace prize nominee Dr. Thomas Gordon. For parents of children in preschool, elementary school, middle school and beyond.

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Spring 2016 Class Schedule:
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Eagle Rock - Tuesday evenings - 7:30pm - 9:30pm - April 19th - June 14th

All workshops are facilitated by Meike Lemmens, Certified Parent Effectiveness Training Instructor and Parenting Coach.

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The million dollar question is how to deal with conflicts in a healthy and effective way. Children don’t naturally resolve conflicts peacefully: they can hit, scream, nag, whine, bully or demand without consideration for others. So you as the parent need to set the right example. If you simply make the decisions, use power and punishment to enforce your solutions, and referee their sibling fights, it won’t teach them much about resolving disagreements in real life. Here are 10 ingredients for successful conflict resolution:

• Set the right example. Treat your children the way you want to be treated.
• Model effective conflict resolution with your partner. Show your child how grown-ups find solutions in a healthy and effective way.
• Give your child space to calm herself down before you address the heart of the matter.
• Don’t patronize what your children want, even if you can’t give it to them. For your children these wishes are real. “I know how much you want it, and I really wish I could just give it to you.”
• Stay away from Judging, Criticizing & Name Calling even when you feel irritated and annoyed. It creates unnecessary resistance and it chips away at their self-esteem.
• Talk about the cause of the disagreement before you talk about the solution.
• Let everyone finish talking, don’t interrupt your children and if they interrupt you say: “I can’t get my point across when you talk while I am talking.”
• Explain to your child why you are upset.
• Don’t make conflicts unnecessarily difficult with a lot of language when it involves young children.
• Discuss alternatives for next time.

Easier said than done? Our parenting workshop teaches you step-by-step conflict resolution skills. Enroll now in one of our upcoming winter classes.

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Winter 2016 Class Schedule:
Irvine - Wednesday evenings - 7:30pm - 9:30pm - January 20th - March 23rd
Eagle Rock - Thursday evenings - 7:30pm - 9:30pm - January 21st - March 24th
Irvine - Friday mornings - 9:15am - 12noon - January 21st - March 24th
Sherman Oaks - Tuesday evenings - 7:30pm - 9:30pm - January 12th - March 15th

Sympathy feels sorry for you, tries to make you feel better, and anxiously solves your problem. Empathy puts itself in your shoes, listens carefully, and has your back while you solve it yourself. Sympathy looks down at you, holds you back, debilitates. Empathy meets you at your level to empower the strength within. Sympathy is the language of well-intended parents. Empathy the language of effective ones.

Let us help you become a more effective parent!

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Fall 2015 Class Schedule:
Irvine - Thursday evenings - 7:30pm - 9:30pm - September 24th - November 19th
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Van Nuys - Tuesday evenings - 7:30pm - 9:30pm - September 22nd - November 17th