have more energy to give to others. We see others more positively, and are more willing to emotionally engage with them. Feeling loved and secure makes us kinder and more tolerant to people.

Naturally, Parent Effectiveness Training and other parenting programs want to improve the secure bond between parents and children to give them a good start. But this is much easier said then done.

One crux of the matter is the attachment stye of the parent. Research shows that your attachment style as an adult explains a lot about how you behave, communicate and deal with conflict in your relationships, including your relationships with your children.  

There are basically four attachment styles:

• Secure attached (50% of the population)
• Anxious attached (20% of the population)
• Avoidant attached (25% of the population)
• Anxious-Avoidant (=Disorganized; 5%)

 
What is my attachment style?
Attachment style questionnaire

Anxious attached
For Anxious attached people, conflict can trigger very basic concerns about other's responsiveness to their needs. Disputes make them feel unsafe, they fear rejection or abandonment. Their fear, that the others are likely to be inattentive to their needs, drives them to REALLY LEAVE THEIR MARK in order to be heard. When a dispute arises, Anxious attached people react by using Protest Behaviors aimed at getting the other person's attention. They may make strong accusations, cry, or give the other the silent treatment. Their response is usually ineffective.

Avoidant attached
People with an Avoidant attachment style are also threatened by the possibility that the other person won't really be there for them when needed. However, to deal with this belief, they adopt the opposite approach. They suppress their need for connection by shutting down emotionally. They adopt a defensive air of independence. For Avoidant attached people, the more personal the conflict becomes, the stronger their urge grows to distance themselves from the situation. To do this, they use Deactivating strategies, such as finding fault with the other or checking out mentally while the other is talking, in order to feel less close to them. 

Secure attached
Secure attached people have an underlying belief that others are attentive to their needs. They don't worry but feel safe and secure in their relationships. They adopt effective communication skills with relative ease.

How P.E.T. can help 
The good news is you can learn what does not come naturally to you. In Parent Effectiveness Training, we teach you:

• How to deal with situations when emotions run high and your attachment style gets triggered. 
• How to communicate effectively without losing the emotional connection with your children so that you can help form Secure attachments with your children.

This includes: 
1. Attentiveness, sensitiveness and responsiveness to your children's needs (less avoidant),
2. Clear, direct and honest communication about your own needs (less anxious),
3. Resolving conflict in a much better way to experience more happy and satisfying relationships (more secure)
 
Are you ready to learn effective parenting skills?
 
SIGN-UP NOW FOR P.E.T
 
​Spring 2023 Class Schedule:

PET Course (8 weeks Zoom)
Wednesday Mornings (Pacific Time)
    April 19th - June 14th 2023 (8 weeks)*
    9:00AM - 12:00PM PACIFIC TIME
     * NO Class April 26th
Saturday Mornings (Pacific Time)
    April 15 - June 17th 2023 (8 weeks)*
    8:00AM - 11:00AM PACIFIC TIME
      * NO Class 4/29 & 5/27 Memorial day weekend
Waiting List: Tell Us Your Preferred Day ​

The Winter Olympics are in full swing. One of the really interesting parts of watching them is learning the back stories of the athletes and learning what motivates them, which most often includes their family. Here is information and insight gleaned from a recent article from The Insider, that P.E.T. Master Trainer, Meike Lemmens read—and we’re sharing it with you: What are traits commonly found in parents of Olympians?


​​Trait 1: They’re active themselves.
Darren Marks, father of surfer Caroline Marks, competed in motocross and his wife grew up a triathlete. They raised their six kids — now aged 10 to 22 — in Florida, where surfing was a regular family activity. While Caroline started out horseback riding, she was drawn to the water by her brothers at age 9. By 10, she was winning East Coast titles, Darren said.

What Parent Effectiveness Training says:
One of the most potent ways for parents to influence their children is through modeling. Kids, particularly, model after admired parents. If you value athleticism, be athletic and build an active household with your kids. If you value honesty, be honest. If you value politeness be polite. If you value non-violence, don’t spank, hit or hurt your kids and that applies to verbal communication as well.
However, it is important to keep in mind that parents’ actions need to be consistent with their words. If the parent says one thing but does another, the parent loses credibility as a model very quickly.

Trait 2: They don’t push their kids.
“We were very sensitive to not being the soccer mom or dad. We’re good at letting our kids identify what they want to do, and then we come in to support it.” Darren Marks father of Caroline Marks.

​What Parent Effectiveness Training says:
Internal motivation to do the right thing is far more powerful and long lasting than one based on fear and dependency. [And it’s also a winning strategy, pun intended.]

Unlike what google searches tell you about the self-esteem of your kids, smiling and positive reinforcement won't make your kid self confident. Children form their self-image and their self-esteem by observing themselves master their world. When a child observes herself do something that she feels good about she feels more confident.

A child gets out of the car for kindergarten, walks up the sidewalk to that giant building and goes through that door with his Star Wars lunch pail. When he walks in there, sits down and gets through that first day he or she says to himself: "I did that! I got out of the car and I walked up there and I sat down for three hours on my own". And then they walk out of that kindergarten classroom a foot taller.

Parents can not lecture, suggest, advise or carry their child into self-esteem. Self-esteem is acquired through mastering the world one step and one frustration at the time. Parent can however help their children acquire more self-esteem by progressively providing opportunities for the child that he or she can approach and succeed at:

• Help create a hierarchy of the situation that a child is having difficulty with. 
• A hierarchy allows a child to start at a level that s/he can handle, and progressively move on to handle more and more difficult problems.
• The success of the child at each level accumulates in greater confidence, ability and self esteem.
• The secret is to move gradually, taking steps short enough to insure that the child will be successful.

Easier said than done? Our Parent Effectiveness Training teaches you the skills to help your child become more confident. Enroll now in one of our upcoming winter classes.

Check Out All of Our WINTER Classes!

Spring 2022 Schedule:

P.E.T. Class (8 week Zoom)
Tuesday Evening Pacific Time 
    Mar 15th - May 10th 2022 (8 weeks)*
    7:00PM - 10:00PM PACIFIC TIME
      * NO Class April 5th 
Thursday Morning Pacific Time 
    Mar 17th - May 12th 2022 (8 weeks)*
    9:00AM - 12:00PM PACIFIC TIME
      * NO Class April 7th
Saturday Morning Pacific Time 
    Feb 26th - Apr 16th 2022 (8 weeks)
    9:00AM - 12:00PM PACIFIC TIME

Waiting List: Tell Us Your Preferred Time
​
P.E.T. Book Club (6 week Zoom)
Monday Evenings Pacific Time
    Feb 28th - Apr 11th 2022 (6 weeks)*
    5:00PM - 6:30PM PACIFIC TIME  
      * NO Class April 4th
Wednesday Morning Pacific Time 
    Mar 16th - Apr 20th 2022 (6 weeks)*
    9:30am - 11:00am PACIFIC TIME
      * NO Class April 6th
Waiting List: Tell Us Your Preferred Time

P.E.T. REFRESHER (4 week Zoom)
Tuesday Morning Pacific Time
    Mar 1st - Mar 22nd 2022 (4 weeks)
    9:30AM - 11:00AM PACIFIC TIME

Sunday Afternoon Pacific Time
    Mar 5th - Mar 26th 2022 (4 weeks)
    4:30pm - 6:00pm PACIFIC TIME

​In other words, siblings who grow up under the same roof with the same parents are not more alike / different than those who grow up in different homes with different parents. ​This finding shows that parenting is not a predictor of how your children will turn out. I am guessing you're skeptical, so let me explain. Your parenting obviously influences your kids. BUT your parenting influences each of your children in VERY DIFFERENT ways. Your oldest child may become self-disciplined because of your strict parenting style while your middle child may become dependent on you because of the same strictness. Your daughter may grow up feeling a lack of structure because of your laissez-faire parenting approach while it helps your son fully express his creativity.

No wonder parenting experts can never agree on parenting advice. Whether to be strict or lenient, co-sleep or not, how many hours of screen time is too much etc. These disputes over what is right and wrong are never-ending because there is no one right answer. It depends on the individual needs of both parents and kids. Parenting is not injected into your child like a vaccine. Parenting is an interactive process between the parent and the child. This is what makes parenting so complex.   

I would like to invite you to join my P.E.T. Book Club, to learn about the philosophy of Parent Effectiveness Training by Dr. Thomas Gordon. It is a program that does not believe in ready-made answers for parents. Instead, it  acknowledges the differences in parents' values, styles, beliefs and preferences. All parents and kids are unique. Whether you have one child or many, it is the different needs of the parent and child that plays an enormous role in how you connect, interact and respond to challenging situations. Getting those needs met in a custom manner, satisfying to both the parent and each child, is what is at the heart of P.E.T.

Get Inspired! Join Our Online P.E.T. Book Club
ONLY $95 for this 6-week Online program

SPRING 2021 Schedule: 
Tuesday evening Pacific Time
 April 6th - May 11th 2021 (6 weeks) 
 8:15pm - 9:45pm Pacific Time

Wednesday evening Pacific Time 
 April 7th - May 12th 2021 (6 weeks) 
 8:15pm - 9:45pm Pacific Time ​

Parents are generally quick to point out the behaviors of their children they don't like, but it is an exception to point out the positive. Let's say your child interrupts a conversation with your friend. You may say; "I'm talking right now honey" or "You're interrupting". But what do you say when your child is not interrupting your conversation? Do you say; "Thank you for waiting" or "I appreciate you letting me finish my conversation"!?



​If you generally skip the positive and are keen to point out what bothers you it can have unintentional negative side effects. It may chip away at your child's self esteem, or children may learn to get your attention by behaving in ways that are annoying to you. 
 
I have an experiment for you!
 
When you come home today, try to keep track of the number of times you point out a negative, and also count the number of positive statements you make. Ideally you want the positives to outweigh the negatives. So tell them what you like, love, appreciate or are thankful for. Or otherwise share your positive feelings with your child ("I love you"; "I am inspired by you").
 
Sending positive messages is especially important when you are struggling with your child. Maybe they hit or scream a lot. Try to say something when they are NOT hitting or screaming instead of only pointing out the times they do; "I see how mad you are and I really appreciate you are not screaming at me. You could scream but you are not and that makes it easier for me to understand and talk with you."
 
Last night, I was about to point out to my daughter that her dishes were still on the table. Instead I chose to tell my son; "I appreciate that you put your dishes in the kitchen and cleaned the table, thank you Jake! He was beaming, his chest inflated, he sure liked hearing that! Before you knew it Maggie followed right along.
 
For more parenting help, try out our Online Parent Effectiveness Training Book Club

Click here to ENROLL

$99 for a 6-week Online Program!
 
WINTER 2021 ONLINE SCHEDULE:

Tuesday evening Pacific Time
    Jan 5th - Feb 9th 2021 (6 weeks)
    7:30pm - 9:00pm Pacific Time  

Wednesday morning Pacific Time 
    Jan 6th - Feb 10th 2021 (6 weeks)
    9:30am - 11:00am Pacific Time

   1. Incompetent: "I'm too young (or too incapable, too fragile or too weak) to do it on my own.”

   2. Dependent: "I can’t do it.  I don't know how. Can you do it for me?"

 Or

   3. Defiant: "You're not the boss of me!"  

Thomas Gordon’s Parent Effectiveness Training helps us let our kids help themselves. When we trust in their ingenuity and resourcefulness and focus on their strengths, it gives them the opportunity to trust their own judgment and sharpen their problem-solving skills. Then they are able to find solutions that are most right for them at that moment in time.
 
ACTIVE LISTEN WITH YOUR EYES AND EARS
The most powerful and helpful parenting skill is to actively listen to our kids because it helps them tune into their inner-guidance system (i.e. their point of view, their interest and strengths). Our children are always telling us about themselves, both by what they say and do. Sometimes in subtle ways and other times much more obvious, they are letting us know what they do and don’t like, who they do and don’t trust and what they’re ready for and where their boundaries are. 
 
When we active listening, children can connect with their inner potential without being distracted by our well intended advice and help. This helps them work through their experiences. As a result they feel confident and self-reliant so they can better handle whatever comes their way.

The child's words are only coded messages for what the child is feeling; resentment, frustration, or being hassled. When you respond to the feeling instead of the words, then the child is more likely to calm down.

A calmer child is much more likely to listen to your needs (your need to be respected). So try addressing the feeling of the child first, before talking about your needs.

This can benefit you in multiple ways:
- A child who feels listened to and understood is usually more cooperative with your requests,
- It prevents you from getting into a power struggle,
- It maintains the relationship between you and your child,
- It builds Emotional Intelligence in your child.

Try it on for size, and let us know what happened!