The Winter Olympics are in full swing. One of the really interesting parts of watching them is learning the back stories of the athletes and learning what motivates them, which most often includes their family. Here is information and insight gleaned from a recent article from The Insider, that P.E.T. Master Trainer, Meike Lemmens read—and we’re sharing it with you: What are traits commonly found in parents of Olympians?


​​Trait 1: They’re active themselves.
Darren Marks, father of surfer Caroline Marks, competed in motocross and his wife grew up a triathlete. They raised their six kids — now aged 10 to 22 — in Florida, where surfing was a regular family activity. While Caroline started out horseback riding, she was drawn to the water by her brothers at age 9. By 10, she was winning East Coast titles, Darren said.

What Parent Effectiveness Training says:
One of the most potent ways for parents to influence their children is through modeling. Kids, particularly, model after admired parents. If you value athleticism, be athletic and build an active household with your kids. If you value honesty, be honest. If you value politeness be polite. If you value non-violence, don’t spank, hit or hurt your kids and that applies to verbal communication as well.
However, it is important to keep in mind that parents’ actions need to be consistent with their words. If the parent says one thing but does another, the parent loses credibility as a model very quickly.

Trait 2: They don’t push their kids.
“We were very sensitive to not being the soccer mom or dad. We’re good at letting our kids identify what they want to do, and then we come in to support it.” Darren Marks father of Caroline Marks.

​What Parent Effectiveness Training says:
Internal motivation to do the right thing is far more powerful and long lasting than one based on fear and dependency. [And it’s also a winning strategy, pun intended.]

Unlike what google searches tell you about the self-esteem of your kids, smiling and positive reinforcement won't make your kid self confident. Children form their self-image and their self-esteem by observing themselves master their world. When a child observes herself do something that she feels good about she feels more confident.

A child gets out of the car for kindergarten, walks up the sidewalk to that giant building and goes through that door with his Star Wars lunch pail. When he walks in there, sits down and gets through that first day he or she says to himself: "I did that! I got out of the car and I walked up there and I sat down for three hours on my own". And then they walk out of that kindergarten classroom a foot taller.

Parents can not lecture, suggest, advise or carry their child into self-esteem. Self-esteem is acquired through mastering the world one step and one frustration at the time. Parent can however help their children acquire more self-esteem by progressively providing opportunities for the child that he or she can approach and succeed at:

• Help create a hierarchy of the situation that a child is having difficulty with. 
• A hierarchy allows a child to start at a level that s/he can handle, and progressively move on to handle more and more difficult problems.
• The success of the child at each level accumulates in greater confidence, ability and self esteem.
• The secret is to move gradually, taking steps short enough to insure that the child will be successful.

Easier said than done? Our Parent Effectiveness Training teaches you the skills to help your child become more confident. Enroll now in one of our upcoming winter classes.

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​In other words, siblings who grow up under the same roof with the same parents are not more alike / different than those who grow up in different homes with different parents. ​This finding shows that parenting is not a predictor of how your children will turn out. I am guessing you're skeptical, so let me explain. Your parenting obviously influences your kids. BUT your parenting influences each of your children in VERY DIFFERENT ways. Your oldest child may become self-disciplined because of your strict parenting style while your middle child may become dependent on you because of the same strictness. Your daughter may grow up feeling a lack of structure because of your laissez-faire parenting approach while it helps your son fully express his creativity.

No wonder parenting experts can never agree on parenting advice. Whether to be strict or lenient, co-sleep or not, how many hours of screen time is too much etc. These disputes over what is right and wrong are never-ending because there is no one right answer. It depends on the individual needs of both parents and kids. Parenting is not injected into your child like a vaccine. Parenting is an interactive process between the parent and the child. This is what makes parenting so complex.   

I would like to invite you to join my P.E.T. Book Club, to learn about the philosophy of Parent Effectiveness Training by Dr. Thomas Gordon. It is a program that does not believe in ready-made answers for parents. Instead, it  acknowledges the differences in parents' values, styles, beliefs and preferences. All parents and kids are unique. Whether you have one child or many, it is the different needs of the parent and child that plays an enormous role in how you connect, interact and respond to challenging situations. Getting those needs met in a custom manner, satisfying to both the parent and each child, is what is at the heart of P.E.T.

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Parents are generally quick to point out the behaviors of their children they don't like, but it is an exception to point out the positive. Let's say your child interrupts a conversation with your friend. You may say; "I'm talking right now honey" or "You're interrupting". But what do you say when your child is not interrupting your conversation? Do you say; "Thank you for waiting" or "I appreciate you letting me finish my conversation"!?



​If you generally skip the positive and are keen to point out what bothers you it can have unintentional negative side effects. It may chip away at your child's self esteem, or children may learn to get your attention by behaving in ways that are annoying to you. 
 
I have an experiment for you!
 
When you come home today, try to keep track of the number of times you point out a negative, and also count the number of positive statements you make. Ideally you want the positives to outweigh the negatives. So tell them what you like, love, appreciate or are thankful for. Or otherwise share your positive feelings with your child ("I love you"; "I am inspired by you").
 
Sending positive messages is especially important when you are struggling with your child. Maybe they hit or scream a lot. Try to say something when they are NOT hitting or screaming instead of only pointing out the times they do; "I see how mad you are and I really appreciate you are not screaming at me. You could scream but you are not and that makes it easier for me to understand and talk with you."
 
Last night, I was about to point out to my daughter that her dishes were still on the table. Instead I chose to tell my son; "I appreciate that you put your dishes in the kitchen and cleaned the table, thank you Jake! He was beaming, his chest inflated, he sure liked hearing that! Before you knew it Maggie followed right along.
 
For more parenting help, try out our Online Parent Effectiveness Training Book Club

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   1. Incompetent: "I'm too young (or too incapable, too fragile or too weak) to do it on my own.”

   2. Dependent: "I can’t do it.  I don't know how. Can you do it for me?"

 Or

   3. Defiant: "You're not the boss of me!"  

Thomas Gordon’s Parent Effectiveness Training helps us let our kids help themselves. When we trust in their ingenuity and resourcefulness and focus on their strengths, it gives them the opportunity to trust their own judgment and sharpen their problem-solving skills. Then they are able to find solutions that are most right for them at that moment in time.
 
ACTIVE LISTEN WITH YOUR EYES AND EARS
The most powerful and helpful parenting skill is to actively listen to our kids because it helps them tune into their inner-guidance system (i.e. their point of view, their interest and strengths). Our children are always telling us about themselves, both by what they say and do. Sometimes in subtle ways and other times much more obvious, they are letting us know what they do and don’t like, who they do and don’t trust and what they’re ready for and where their boundaries are. 
 
When we active listening, children can connect with their inner potential without being distracted by our well intended advice and help. This helps them work through their experiences. As a result they feel confident and self-reliant so they can better handle whatever comes their way.

The child's words are only coded messages for what the child is feeling; resentment, frustration, or being hassled. When you respond to the feeling instead of the words, then the child is more likely to calm down.

A calmer child is much more likely to listen to your needs (your need to be respected). So try addressing the feeling of the child first, before talking about your needs.

This can benefit you in multiple ways:
- A child who feels listened to and understood is usually more cooperative with your requests,
- It prevents you from getting into a power struggle,
- It maintains the relationship between you and your child,
- It builds Emotional Intelligence in your child.

Try it on for size, and let us know what happened!

"When people become parents, something strange and unfortunate happens." Thomas Gordon wrote this in his award winning book, Parent Effectiveness Training. "Parents begin to assume a role or act a part and forget they are persons. They start to behave in certain ways because they think that is how parents should behave." Children pick up on parents playing a part, they realize early on that this perfect person isn't really who you are. They notice you ate all the cookies after they went to bed, watch your phone well after your screen time is over. They hear you yell at them when you don't get your way, or interrupt them when they talk.

This transformation of people turning into parents is unfortunate for 2 reasons. A child's curiosity leads them to try and find out who's the human being underneath the parent, because they deeply appreciate the quality of realness and humanness and they respond favorably to it. And, parents often feel guilty when not being able to play the part, not being able to be consistent, or not being able to set the perfect example.

Parent Effectiveness Training is here to teach you it isn't necessary to play that perfect parent role at all! You don't need to be consistent, and you don't need to be perfect. An effective parent lets himself be a person – a real person. If parents could only accept themselves and stop playing a part, it would send a very different message to their children; I am good the way I am, and so are you. I don't need to portray myself any different, neither do you. If we mess up, we are not bad, we just learn from our mistakes so that we can be true to who we are and build a happier life together.

Come learn how to effectively communicate your humanness to your children!

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